Did you ever consider why we have this “confidence topic” only as the adults but it’s never an issue for the children? We say they are scared, afraid, vulnerable but never “lack of confidence”. We don’t use this word much with children.
We have this word and topic as adults because we learned how to censor ourselves, neglect some aspects, accommodate, swallow the truth for the sense of belonging and fitting in society. We learnt the conditional love and got imprinted with rules “if you do, be, have or behave this, you are worthy”.
I also think we often perceive and approach confidence from a very distorted perspective: you have not to care what other people think, be strong, grow a tough skin, push it, do what you want no matter what, pump yourself, or be this careless person who is not sensitive so much. I think this perception is just another trauma and defensive response to overcompensate it.
In reality, I believe it can not be further from the truth. In my point of view, confidence is the outcome of Self Leadership, Visibility and Nervous System capacity! It’s actually about very deep care for yourself and truly finding safety within. It’s being so anchored in yourself that there is simply no need to prove anything to anyone.
At the core of it, confidence (in my observation and experience) consists of 2 elements:
1. Truly including yourself, your needs, your truth, your desires and all of you in the moment (especially your sensitive, vulnerable, innocent parts, parts that hold deep desires and parts which feel threatened). Allowing to go where your body impulses lead you, and taking those leaps into unknown. In other words, really fully showing up! Sometimes being afraid and doing it anyways. This is for me is part of Self Leadership & Visibility Capacity.
2. And then also knowing inside that you actually will be ok, that you actually will be fine and will survive (nervous system capacity). You may be stretched, confronted, have some fears, step in unfamiliar territory, be rejected, piss off some people, go through all sort of emotions… but know at the end you will be ok! You know how to hold yourself through all. This part is a huge part of the capacity work which I think doesn’t get much spotlight and credit for the importance it deserves.
We often don’t take the first step because we are too much afraid of the second, we just don’t trust we will be fine doing that. And most of people wait till fear goes away, till unworthiness goes away, waiting till confidence comes in. But this way you can wait a long time and pile up even more missed opportunities to include yourself fully!
Confidence is about stopping to neglect & abandon yourself, your desires, your needs, your mission and your boundaries.
It’s about including yourself, your truth fully in each moment. It’s about having your own back no matter what happens, despite the outcomes.
It’s the result of ultimate self love, self care and self trust expression.
