My Favourite Way to Deal with Fear

The words of George Addair often ring through my head: “Everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear.”

That sounds great, doesn’t it? But what does it mean for you in your daily life? How do you actually do it? How do you go about finding the other side of fear?

When I read this quote, it almost seems like I just need to take one small step across the border between fear and no fear and everything will work out. However, as we know all too well, sometimes taking that first step can be an incredibly difficult and frightening thing. Sadly, there is no way around fear, no bypass. The only way to conquer the fear is to look it in the eyes.

I want to share with you my favorite way to deal with it. There are three steps to this technique.

1.     Name that fear!

First of all, you have to be really honest with yourself and name what kind of fear you are dealing with. This essential first step requires complete truth. Make a list, write it all down, put a finger on it and get to the core of your fear. It’s very important to label and correctly identify as they say “the elephant in the room”.

Ask yourself: “What is it that you are so afraid of?”

Here is a story of one of my own fears…

One of my excuses for not starting my own business was that I didn’t want to work alone. In my corporate career, I had a busy role which involved constantly interacting with people from all over the world. My office door was constantly swinging with people coming and going. It made me alive to be in the heart of business matters and being able to make the difference for people. I not only loved this interaction, but I also loved the opportunity to mix with a multicultural and diverse group of people.

This always gave me so many insights into people and allowed me to see different perspectives. It also invigorated me and provided me with tons of energy. I loved the feeling that is connected to people & business gave me, and I thrived on it.

So, I was very afraid that this need I had wouldn’t be met when I began working for myself as a coach. I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to not have any work colleagues. I feared that I would feel lonely and disconnected from the world. I was afraid that seeing a few clients each week would not be enough of interaction and impact for changing people’s lives.

Step one, I needed to notice the story I run and label that fear very clearly. That would go something like this:

If I work as a coach without any colleagues, I will feel lonely and disconnected from people. I won’t get the energy I crave from socializing and collaborating or gain as many perspectives, insights, and inspirations. I won’t be able to contribute and make a difference for many people because I won’t be in the business place where all important things and decisions are happening.

2. Challenge and question your fear.

Now that you have identified your fear and put a label on it, the next step is to challenge and question this fear. If you are strongly attached to fear and it feels really true, firstly ask yourself some questions to detach from it. I highly recommend the 4 questions suggested by Byron Katie*:

1. Is it true? (Yes or no. If no, move to question 3.)

2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true? (Yes or no.)

3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?

4. Who or what would you be without the thought?

It is very important to realize that your fear is only a thought in your head, just an idea out of many possibilities you chose to focus on. In other words, the only thing you are scared of here is a thought.

The only thing you are scared of is a thought.

In the world, where everything is possible, there is an unlimited amount of perceptions and beliefs. Everything you believe in your head reflects and manifests in real life as a projection of it. So, why not to choose a better feeling thought about it instead?

You can challenge your fear by going to the question that usually guides you straight to the other side of it:

What if the opposite is in fact true?

Because you have already written down your fear, you can now simply write down the exact opposite, quickly and easily.

Let’s return to my own fear to see what that would look like…

What if, working as a coach, I will have more colleagues and feel more connected to people. I will get even more energy from socializing and gain far more perspectives, insights, and inspirations. And I will make an even bigger difference for more people.

To think the opposite in the eyes of fear can feel stretchy and mind-blowing sometimes. Even if it doesn’t feel true at that moment, doing it still has a great benefit. It disrupts an automatic pattern within your brain. By not allowing your fear to be reinforced, you break the momentum and focus of it as a firmly-held belief. Sometimes only this question can be enough to stop your procrastination and enable you to move towards action.

3. Collect the evidence for an empowering thought.

Your fear has been named and you have challenged the legitimacy of that fear. The next step is to collect as much evidence as possible to support your new, opposite viewpoint.

“A belief is just a thought you keep thinking.” – Esther Hicks of Abraham-Hicks Publishing.

So, by re-imagining and re-focusing your fear and collecting fresh facts, you put the spotlight on the newly formed idea. You compound it until it becomes your new firmly held belief and has manifested itself in your life.

How did this impact my own fear?

One year after writing down, labeling and challenging my own fear, I realized it turned out to be even more opposite than I could have imagined back then. Now, I work at several offices and not only do I have colleagues/clients from all over the world but even better, now I get to choose them. This all has allowed me to find a healthy and natural rhythm where my working needs, my self-realization, and energy balancing needs are being met even better. Due to that, I now find myself more fulfilled and energized than ever before. And most importantly, it has allowed me to have a deeper and truer connection with people. Now, I am really able to be at the core where the most important things happen in life – people’s hearts and places of raw vulnerability. I’ve never lived my personal life’s purpose better.

Who could have thought it? This is this the thing about fear – it can never see what you will gain, it always only sees what you will lose.

Fear can never see what you will gain, it always only sees what you will lose.

What is the fear that stops you from living your life to its full potential? Did you ever consider that maybe, just maybe, the opposite is true? So, go on. Step one….name that fear.

* THE WORK OF BYRON KATIE

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How to expand your capacity to receive

Snowflakes elegantly waltz down from the sky as I gaze through my frosty window. I sip on my warm cup of aromatic tea and drift off into a dreamland of thoughts.

I find myself observing people lately… those who are very ambitious and strive for the stars and others who embrace a simplistic way of living; all of these people say they are happy where they are currently but secretly aim for more.

The first ones are working so hard, trying all kind of strategies, action lists, vision boards, more of this or that, or whatever it takes to reach their goal. The quiet ones are more paralyzed, like someone is holding them back. They go on with their lives yet when alone, allow those big dreams from a land far, far away to appear in their imagination. But they just take a deep breath, say to themselves “one day…” and go on with their daily routine. There is no time for this fantasy right now.

I’ve found myself on both sides of the spectrum until I realized the paramount step between a dream and its implementation rests in the CAPACITY TO RECEIVE.

The paramount step between a dream and its implementation rests in the CAPACITY TO RECEIVE.

Oftentimes we have big dreams (and you should dream big) but we are not ready to allow them in our life due to a lot of blockages, limiting beliefs, perceived worthiness issues, etc. You name it. You can dream about the stars but you will not be able to reach them until you pop that glass ceiling.

If you don’t break down the walls around you, your dream may come true but if your capacity to receive is not yet there, your dream will leave as suddenly as it arrived. That’s why some people who, for example, win the lottery lose all the money in no time; they meet an amazing person but are not able to maintain a long-term relationship. They experience only a glimpse of the magic they want and desire because their capacity is ready only for that amount that remains.

It’s very hard and almost impossible to put all your dreams, passions and goals, such as your big loving family, your expensive hobbies, your ambitious work, your alone time, in a tiny one bedroom apartment. If you want to fit all of your dreams and enjoy them, first you will need to get a bigger place. In other words, expand your capacity to receive all the wonderful blessings about to come into your life. Expand your boundaries and get energetically ready to receive more.

In order to go three steps further, sometimes you actually need to take a few steps back. Instead of focusing on the way of doing more, pay more attention to your way of being. To figure out why you are not living your dreams, ask yourself the following questions:

1. What is holding me back? Often what is holding you back can be fear of failure, fear of success, lack of self-worth, other limiting beliefs, and so on.

2. What is pulling me away? For example, your to-do list, your job, your excuses, your procrastination, etc. may be derailing you.

3. Who do I need to become to match what I want? If you want that amazing partner, you need to become that amazing partner yourself to match that frequency.

Another good way to become aware of the beliefs limiting you is to imagine that your dream has already came true: the love of your life, abundance, dream job is already here; you have it! This is it.

How do you feel? Did you happen to notice where the resistance came in when you imagined it? This is your glass ceiling that needs to pop open; this is where you are not ready… Where do you feel your dream is too much? Where do you feel you are not worth it? What is holding you back? What do you need to change or do in order to feel more comfortable in this new reality?

When you break through one wall, do it again and again till you expand your capacity to receive more.

Sometimes the fastest way to manifest your dreams is not by SEEKING them but ALLOWING them to be received.

5 reasons people get stuck in life and how to break-through

Do you feel stuck in a part of your life? Like, you know there’s a better or more efficient or productive way to show up, but you are confused on how to do it, leaving you feeling stuck?

In a world that celebrates outward success, it can be extremely challenging to provide ourselves with the space and time needed to understand our inner world and why we feel stuck. Over time, this suppresses our inner genius and leads us to become ambivalent, have ruminating thoughts, and experience overwhelming anxiety and frustration.

Fortunately, there is a way through!

In this article, I discuss 5 fundamental, and often subconscious, reasons why people end up feeling stuck in life, how this unintentionally blocks our true potential, and what to do about it.

  1. 1. Lack of possibility or perspective

“Stuck means being unable to move, or being set in a particular position, place, or way of thinking; unable to change or get away from a situation*”

We can be trapped in a situation or even a way of thinking. This leaves us unable to see another way, move (literally or metaphorically), or change. And, it usually leads to repeating the same situation or thinking, over and over again.

A fish doesn’t know it’s in water – Derek Sivers

Most often, when we are stuck, it’s because we are deeply attached to a story. This makes it difficult to see other possibilities, or the bigger picture. The best remedies, to help us see alternative perspective and get out of our own story, are:

  • Take a break. This creates space between you and your story, and by switching activities you loosen your attachment to the perspective you’re holding.
  • Zoom out. Try to think as general about the situation as possible.
  • Try-on different perspectives. For example, think of how your best friend would approach the situation. What might he/she do differently? Or, check-out “The Work” by Byron Katie – a great and practical tool to identify and question the thoughts that cause your suffering.
  1. 2. Being stuck secretly serves you

There are usually deep psychological and emotional reasons that drive us to cling to a certain routine. Plus, the known is comfortable. But our comfort zones can become a great permission slip (and excuse!) to not face ourselves, do the work, perform or take accountability of our life. This leads us to reinforce our stuckness.

As well, our routines can be indicators of what we need. Take stress eating, for example. We use food to make ourselves feel better, satisfying an emotional need – like relief from tensions – versus physical hunger. We don’t actually need the food, but we do need something, even if it’s deeply covered under layers of our subconscious. Instead of continuing to put food in your mouth, ask yourself “What need is food filling”?

Opening up to yourself, and to others, about which routines or situations you’re clinging to may be the hardest thing you’ve done. But when you are honest about which parts of life are sticky, there becomes nothing to hide behind and no need to continue to play out this comfortable pattern. And by doing so, new possibilities open up on how to meet your needs in a way that better supports your potential.

So, when you are really stuck, ask yourself, “How is being stuck serving me?”

I dare you to be brutally honest with yourself.

  1. 3. Contradicting beliefs

Have you ever wanted something but feel you are making little progress in chasing your dreams? To cope, you try to do more – working even harder or pushing feelings of stuckness deep down to avoid their own disappointment.

The truth is, there are underlying, often contradicting, beliefs which are blocking our ability to achieve the goal. For example, someone who is searching for a new job may want financial stability but also deep-down feels they are not worth it. Or, someone who desperately wants intimacy also believes relationships will take their freedom away.

To face your contradicting beliefs:

  1. Write down the goal you are struggling to reach. For example, I want a relationship, a new job, etc.
  2. Close your eyes, breathe deeply and ask yourself: “Why don’t I want a relationship or new job?
  3. Notice what is the first thought that pops into your mind.

When we are sending contradictory, or mixed, messages to the universe, it doesn’t know to which one to listen.

  1. 4. Not knowing yourself

I believe all problems stem from not knowing ourselves! This usually starts from an early age, most often at a point where our needs were not met. Beyond this, we are frequently told what our needs SHOULD BE, which furthers the problem of not knowing who we are. For example, we are told: what is success, how we should live, how we should behave and what we should want, etc. At some point, our unique self is lost and we become a by-product of the system. We lose our ability to follow our own intuition; and we can hardly name or understand what we feel, becoming disconnected from our body.

Self-awareness is the first, and one of the most essential, steps to reconnect with our self. By slowing down and becoming present, we begin to see critical information from our surroundings, our body and our heart that is communicating with us all the time. It also allows us to see where we unnecessarily involve ourselves in others’ drama, fall trap to societal “shoulds” and play out our own limiting beliefs or insecurities. Or, when we shift to autopilot, missing what is happening…here and now.

The universe is constantly communicating with you. If you don’t hear the whispers, it will speak louder and louder until it smacks you in the face.

  1. 5. Lack of clarity and personal vision

Every person in this world has a unique energetic blueprint; and set of genes, skills, desires, needs, learnings, purpose, etc. Sadly, society suggests “one size fits all,” forcing us to adapt ourselves to fit in, feel safe, and accepted.

We become copies of what we perceive as successful in others!

Unfortunately, “the right” path ends up leaving us feeling lost, confused and drained of energy. When we don’t have clarity on our personal life vision, it’s easy to go in multiple directions, struggle to make decisions, or feel unexcited and uncentered.

This goes beyond a job. It’s our personal life signature. It’s something you would do even if you weren’t paid; something that, no matter how hard you try, you just can’t not to do. This is your life calling.

Living your life purpose is like a fuel to your soul!

If you haven’t unlocked your full potential, it’s because you spend your time, energy and emotional resources on things which do not serve you. This is something directly within your control which you can change.

Make this year’s goal to tap into who you really are.

Stop compromising yourself, and instead unravel your true potential and live a life aligned with your purpose and legacy. Because, if not now, when?


About author:

Elaira Tickute is a Psychologist and High Potential Coach. She studied human design for more than 20 years and runs her own coaching company called Elaira Flow. She challenges people’s beliefs, ways of thinking and being. And most importantly, helps to unlock their true potential.

*Cambridge Dictionary

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And suddenly you know… It’s time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings.

Today, I woke up with the sun shining and suddenly the entire world felt unusual. I was the same; yet, non-identical, and everything was pulsing differently. As I walked to my coffee machine, pressed the button and began my usual morning routine, something felt incompatible. It was like the world had a secret. The air felt exciting and uplifting, and everything was breathing with me a new wind of change. All things were anticipating and welcoming this unknown chapter in my life.

‘It’s strange,’ – I thought to myself – ‘I secretly dreamt of and imagined this chapter in every free minute of my life for a while now. It shouldn’t be a surprise.’ But somehow it still was… For just like that, I awoke and felt like I had shifted into a new reality. And with it, I felt a change in everything around me and within my body – every molecule; every cell.

Recently, I quit my job and paused my long, and very successful, career in Human Resources. Perhaps strange, and probably uncommon, because nothing was wrong with it. On the contrary. I learned a lot, gained immense wisdom, and was profoundly shaped by it. I feel very grateful for that path and while it was not always easy, I wouldn’t have changed it. My jobs were my dream jobs in specific periods of my life.

But, suddenly I realized it was not my path anymore…

I quit because, in my heart, it felt complete. This path no longer made my soul sparkle and, as such, it no longer felt authentically me. And just like that I jumped into the unknown because that meant choosing my truer self.

I am not super clear into what I am really jumping. But still, I choose a path less walked and less secure, over a predictable and comfortable one, because there is that very strong, inexplicable knowing in my heart that this is the right thing to do. And to that, I must listen.

I choose a path less walked and less secure, over a predictable and comfortable one, because there is that very strong, inexplicable knowing in my heart that this is the right thing to do. And to that, I must listen..

And of course my mind went bananas! The moment I allowed this crazy idea into my head: to start my own business as a Personal Development Coach, I became confused and totally freaked out. ‘It doesn’t make sense. It’s not logical. It’s risky and totally insane! You are alone in a foreign country and with a language you still don’t really speak. And how about financial stability! You currently have a great job. What if you fail! How will you get up from that? Are you sure you want to lose control over your stable life? And you haven’t explored yourself as an entrepreneur. Do you even have enough experience to be a good coach? It will require you to be vulnerable… to the world. Do you really want to risk it all?’

And so on, and so on…

So I sat down with all of my fears, doubts and worries. I wrote each one down and gave them space, truly listening to their concerns in the kindest way I knew. After everything was voiced, I realized that it was not the future I was afraid of; nor was it the unknown or the less-walked path. It was the fear of the past repeating itself. My mind was simply trying to keep me safe from harm. Which, I get; that inner girl has been through a lot. My mind, and all of its fears, doubts and worries, were an attempt to protect and serve, like a real body guard. Isn’t this always what our mind does in times of change – attempt to protect us from harm?

I realized that it was not the future I was afraid of; nor was it the unknown or the less-walked path. It was the fear of the past repeating itself.

When you are operating as a mind, trusting your soul requires immense courage. We must help our mind learn to become a true partner of the soul, versus a warrior.

While it may sound easy in my blog, it has been more emotional than I thought. This journey has touched me to my core because I am not just letting go of a job. I am also letting go of a life-defined definition of career, and part of my identity and the stories and beliefs that go along with it…

I am not just letting go of a job. I am also letting go of a life-defined definition of career, and part of my identity and the stories and beliefs that go along with it…

As I hold that morning coffee cup with both hands, I notice how the warmth of the coffee expands to my body, filling the new spaces I have just opened up. It feels so spacious, so big and unlimited. It feels full of possibilities. I think, ‘Where do I even start?’

I finish my coffee and suddenly I know…It’s time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings.

What your emotions are trying to tell you and how to handle them?

We have all encountered emotionally triggering situations. Maybe it was the result of starting a new job, managing an overwhelming workload, experiencing heartbreak; or perhaps, simply a stronger tone of voice by your boss, again not cleaned dishes by your partner or your friend not responding on time.

Whatever the cause, emotions were triggered, leaving us feeling slightly uncomfortable; and sometimes even totally thrown off-guard and placed into a hectic, and deeply emotional, roller-coaster.

But have you ever stopped to ask “why”? Why it is that certain matters, situations or people trigger you? And, why it is that some trigger you more than others?

To understand the why requires that we first define “emotional trigger.”

An emotional trigger is an external mirror for our internal wound or limiting belief. It is our soul saying: “You are on the right track. But to continue to grow, you need to heal or change this part of you.” It’s pointing to a part that no longer serves us; a part that should we keep, will actually prevent us from expanding.

An emotional trigger is an external mirror for our internal wound or limiting belief.

Most frustrating and annoying situations (and even people) are actually our biggest gifts in life because they show us our neglected, hidden, unacknowledged – but still painful – wounds. They, metaphorically, put a finger on it which is why it hurts! Our soul always leads us towards healthy and wholehearted-living, and it has creative ways of showing up to guide us towards that best version of ourselves.

Our soul always leads us towards healthy and wholehearted-living, and it has creative ways of showing up to guide us towards that best version of ourselves.

As humans, we tend to place certain experiences in our subconscious mind where they become hidden from our everyday thoughts. An emotionally triggering situation is the quickest way to bring our awareness to what we’ve placed in hiding.

If we don’t look within – honestly or deeply – and address what we see, life will find another person or situation to create the same trigger, over and over until we see and take action. Maybe you’ve noticed these types of repeating patterns throughout your life?

Until you learn to face your own shadows, you will continue to see (and be chased by) them.

Until you learn to face your own shadows, you will continue to see (and be chased by) them.

It’s our responsibility to take true ownership of our life (including our emotions and feelings), because in the end, everything you experience is a projection of what’s going on inside of you. For example, if you fear manipulation, look within to find a part of you which manipulates others; if you are afraid of people leaving you, seek the aspects of you who leaves others; or, if you feel rejected and underappreciated, find a part where you reject and underappreciate others… or even yourself.

It’s not always “the other person.”

Which is why it is essential to go within; to be absolutely honest and transparent with yourself and really listen, layer-by-layer, to what your heart and emotions are telling you. And to allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling.

Here are few steps to do just that:

1. Notice what you feel and where you feel it in your body. Name the feelings. This helps you gain clarity on what’s happening and opens the door for a deeper exploration. And, it often reduces the intensity of the emotion because your soul feels you are embracing what’s occurring, versus feeling like it needs to scream loudly to get your attention.

2. Acknowledge what you feel, accept it, give it space, and surrender. Don’t try to resist it because “what you resist persists.” Resistance is what actually creates the pain and tension. By avoiding the emotion, you are taking away all possibility of healing. And besides, the emotion is already here, now, so what’s the point of denying it?

3. Try to understand what your emotions are telling you. Ask yourself, ‘What is this situation perfect for? What could I learn? What does it mirror in me?’

4. When you are ready, and have given enough time for the points above, try to find a solution.

It is at this point, and no sooner, that your compassionate attention will allow a transformation to take place, because it is at this moment that you have accepted the parts of you which been unrecognized, unmet and unwanted — the parts you haven’t accepted for years.

Truly and nakedly facing your emotional triggers can be the most challenging, but also the most enhancing and rewarding, experience of your life. It’s a testament of emotional courage, and a ‘permission slip’ to drop beliefs that limit you and step into the best and most successful version of you. And believe me, I know it’s not always easy to go on that journey. Especially alone. Because sometimes, you can only go so far, so fast… after all, they don’t call it a limiting belief for nothing.

Should you want to go deeper within, together, please contact me or simply book free exploration session.

Why “should” is inauthentic

From time-to-time those two little words – “I should” – enter our life without us even realizing that they’ve stolen our authenticity and individuality.

It is because everything that follows “should” is (usually) a projection from others – societal norms, family beliefs, friends’ expectations, etc. Rarely does a “should” represent our real needs, personal truths or motivations. And yet we so easily accept them because we want to belong, be loved and feel validated.

We believe that “shoulds” push us forward, make us better, help us to succeed and achieve. “I should act stronger;” “I should lose some weight;” “I should work harder;” or “I should be more positive.” But because “should” originate outside of us, they only create resistance and leave us feeling drained.

Actually, “shoulds” are one of our greatest sources of unhappiness. The more actions or thoughts that originate from “should”, the more we push ourselves away from who we truly are. In other words, “shoulds” are a false confirmation of self, which makes them an amazing container of self-hate. When we create a “should” we dismiss our true selves and needs, and place a greater respect on others’. It’s like saying: Who I am and what I need is not good enough; and instead saying: I need to be, feel, think or act like someone else. What’s worse, when we use “should,” we assess ourselves based on a set of standards that are subjective, false and ever-changing (e.g., fashion, beauty, body image).

One of the first, easy steps to diminish “shoulds” is to replace this word with something more empowering. For example, instead of saying “I should”, “I must” or “I have to”, try “I go to…” or “I choose to…” Feel the difference in energy these new words introduce (“I should go to gym now” versus “I choose to go to gym now”). They shift you from a state of victimhood to one of liberation, and increase your awareness that every single decision you make is your choice.

If you compromise who you are and strive to be someone who you aren’t, you will never truly express yourself authentically. You were created with your unique set of skills, abilities, and gifts, and only these can lead you to success.

So, who do you choose to be – someone who “shoulds” or someone who allows and accepts your true needs?